How to EASILY create and remember secure passwords

Nearly every day someone on the media is banging on about insecure passwords and how the some reason it is OUR fault that the Internet is so insecure. Anyway, that seems to be the situation and the more and more sites demand us to make create more secure passwords. The trouble is, how to remember them?  Here are a few ideas which will help you make your passwords more secure and even better give you the tools to remember them.  Jak1234 is a poor password - I have seen worse, someone I knew had the password bobbydog named a dog they had pictures of on Facebook. No Really!

  Ibi!!atGr8woC is a good password as it had letters both uppercase and lowercase numbers and symbols. If you read this blog to the end you will be able to create and remember it.

But first some 'do's.'

Longer passwords are more secure than shorter ones. Most websites have a minimum and maximum length always aim more towards maximum.

Use different passwords on different systems- you can even customise the level of security depending on what application you're using if you want.

Change your passwords as often as you can. The ideal would be every month but we live in the real world and I know it can be a hassle to do this but I know some people have the same password for years. The longer it is in existence the greater the chance of it being hacked.

Use a combination of numbers, letters and if possible special characters. Note: you might need to check with various websites which characters are allowed and excluded. This is why  Ibi!!atGr8woC is such a good password as it uses all of the elements.

Over the years I have used and seen different techniques for remembering passwords. One method is to remember a combination from childhood that for some reason had got stuck in your memory. An old car registration number or place and telephone number for instance. I remembered the car registration of my grandfather's car was 1527pp, so GF1527pp was quite a good password as it is easy to remember. The prefix GF by the way stood the grandfather.

Another method is keyboard shapes. I am a visual person and I found this quite useful in the past. There are some obvious shapes and combinations. Avoid qwerty for obvious reasons. The same also applies for azerty which is the same thing but on a French keyboard.  Doing diagonals from a start letter is a possibility. For instance, something based on grncy which is a cross shape from the letter G as a starting point. Look at your keyboard and you'll see what I mean. Then add a numerical value  (I have used the year of the moon landing) and a capital to become Grncy69 or grncY69. This is not a bad choice and certainly better than using bobbydog!  Actually, when working with someone with learning difficulties I created a cardboard template that was placed over the keyboard to visibly give them shape to follow.

In the end, most of us find the use of mnemonics as a memory aid as one of the most useful tools. This is how I would remember the password.  Ibi!!atGr8woC.

What is it stand for?

I became ill at the great wall of China.

To make it more difficult I changed it to I became ill at the Gr8 wall of China.

This translated to (I) ( b)ecame ( ill)  (a)t ( t)he ( Gr8) ( W)all of (C)hina.

The final twist was to transpose the letter L in the word ill for two exclamation marks. This gives the password all the elements of a seemingly random sequence, a mix of upper and lowercase letters as well as special characters.

Try it. Make up a phrase that you can remember and manipulated in a similar manner. When you create it for yourself you will be surprised how easy it is to remember. In the end, you can never be 100% secure but adopting these good practices will certainly minimise the risk.

Keep safe.

Funny True Story - In the Bookshop

Over the years I've heard a number of stories, this one was related to me by a friend of mine who owned a bookshop. I have reproduced the conversation, as close as I can, from his original description. Sometimes the weirdness of reality far outmatches that of fiction! 

"Good morning Madam."

"I am looking for a book."

"Well, you have come to the right place."

"This is a book shop, right?"

The proprietor tries not to sweep his eyes around the copious shelves of books, and asks a safe question instead.

"What was the title of the book?"

"I don't know."

“No problem, I can look up the author on my computer and run a few titles by, if that's any help?”

"I don't know who it's by."

"Um, it is going to be a bit difficult to ascertain what book you are looking for. Are you sure you can't remember the title?"

"No, I know it was brown."

"The author?"

"No, the colour."

"Well, if you look at the shelves I've got an awful lot of brown books; in fact most of my books are brown."

"So you can't help me then?"

"Well, no, not without knowing the author or the title of the book."

"Can't you look?"

"For what?"

"The book I want!"

The book shop owner, running out of ideas has a moment of inspiration.

“What was it about?”

"I don't know, but my friend liked it."

"Can you find out from him or her?"

"He's dead."

"Oh"

"That's why I come here to buy the book.

"Well, as I said, Madam........"

"So you can't help me then?"

"Not really.”

"This has been by far the worst bookshop I have ever been in."

She storms out.

How to Sort Paperwork

Buried in a pile of paperwork? Would you rather visit the dentist than face the Herculean task of sorting it? This simply method might just help you get on top of it.

Firstly, we need to look at how you currently do it. I would wager that when you finally get around to trying to do something about it, you start by going through a heap and create an ever increasing number of piles for each subject area, such as bills receipts, letters, customer information or whatever.

After 10 minutes or half an hour (if really motivated!) you end up with a significant number of disparate piles spread over the desk and floor. At this point you lose the plot. At best, you might file one or two piles or you might shove a whole lot back in the box and go off and 'do' something more ‘interesting’.

There are only a few lucky people who are able to sort the paperwork in this way. For us poor dumb asses, frustration soon outweighs the need for organisation.

For us, we need a better method. The method I am about to describe has helped a number of people through my career, so I know it does work.

The way to do it is the way a computer performs tasks. Do it in sequence and perform one task at a time.

The first, and always the first task, is to go through the pile and chuck out the rubbish. So it will go something like chuck, chuck, keep, chuck, chuck, keep, keep, chuck, keep chuck -and so on. Once you've gone through the whole pile, the rubbish is put in the shredder or bin.

Congratulations-The pile is already reduced.

You can stop at this point and go and do something 'interesting'.  Or you can carry on. The point is that you have already made progress and you have control of the paperwork rather than the other way round.

The next step is to pick a task, it does not matter what, you will know roughly what was in the paperwork because you've just been through it. Let us take letters an example - you now go through the pile and you just take out letters and leave the rest. This keeps the tasks simple and requires very little concentration and minimises frustration.

Once you have the letters out if you're able to file them as one pile fine, if you have to sort them further, use the same method go through them over and over again and only do one task at a time.

You can stop at this point and do something 'interesting'

The point is, you have made even further progress and it also means that when you do decide to come back to the task it is easier to decide what single function you want to do - remember, if you have added to the pile in the interim - always do the keep and chuck rubbish method first.

That's about it. It might seem very simple but it is simply effective, and that is the point. Those who have adopted this method have found it a useful method of completing this onerous task.

Dumb Web Design

Amongst some of the annoyances you find on the Internet, over cluttered, over busy websites, can be as much an annoyance as unnecessary and continuous pop-ups. Personally, when undertaking a search I want to follow a thread not have the whole bloody sewing box shoved in my face.

I was going to highlight some of the websites I considered particularly awful but then thought of something more desirable.

All the search engines have a favourite and/or bookmark button. So why can’t these brilliant browser designers come up with an alternative button that basically says that this is a crappy website and I never want to see it again. Ideally, it would automatically block any access to that website either directly or by link. Don’t you think that would be useful? I would.

So,just for fun, I came up with the button above, which I called the Dumb Web Design button. When clicked it would not only block the website but send a message back to the company or organisation recognising the fact that someone disliked their site enough to use it.

Please note: THE ABOVE BUTTON DOES NOT WORK. I do not have the coding skills but I just designed something funny to get the point across.

This could start a whole new trend.  How about the, Clear Revolting Ads Please (CRAP) button or the This Website Is Terrible (TWIT) button? Maybe we could get some control back and send a message to the Webmasters our true feelings and save ourselves numerous unnecessary mouse clicks to boot.

Just a thought.

Medical Advice

I was working in a hospital or other medical type establishment recently, my work gets me around quite a bit and I can’t really remember where it was. Anyway, I needed a ‘comfort’ stop and on a poster above the urinal was a warning about dehydration and gave a sequence in the form of little boxes as to the colour level that your urine should be. It was all a bit stark and boring and while I was standing there with nothing much to do (except the obvious) I came up with this little ditty.

If your wee is plentiful and light

You are doing things just about right

If it’s scant and yellow

You are dehydrated, you silly fellow.

Just thought that it got the point across in a simpler, more fun and hopefully memorable way.

Funny True Story (ish) - The Fishing Trip

One day Sid and Alex, locals of a small fishing port in Devon were ruminating over beer in the local Public House. Sid had managed to acquire a little wooden clinker built boat and an old, but reliable, Seagull outboard engine. Sid invited Alex to come out fishing with him the following day.

As is the want of British weather, the wind picked up during the night and a warm front moved through. However, by the following day it had calmed down and the sun was shining.

However, as Sid and Alex went out into the estuary the little wooden boat bounced around in the swell, the ancient seagull engine struggling make way.

They finally reached a good fishing spot and drifted with the tide. Alex, being unused the motion of the sea was violently sick over the side of the boat. Unfortunately, in one particularly violent heave, his false teeth were ejected with remains of his breakfast. They disappeared into the deep. Needless to say he was not a happy chap. Alex mourned his loss every few minutes and the constant bemoaning started to grate with Sid. It was not that he could do anything about it. Even worse, the fish were not even biting.

In fact, two hours passed and they caught nothing, nix, zilch. Not one fish. Boredom started to set in. Alex dropped off to sleep. Sid decided to play a little joke on Alex. He silently lifted Alex's line, took out his own false teeth, wrapped the hook and a small quantity of line around them and plopped them back over the side. Then waited.

Some time later, Alex woke up and Sid suggested that they head back to shore. On reeling in his line, Alex sees the teeth. 

"Well blow me down!" exclaimed Sid,  "you've caught your own teeth!"

Alex looked stunned a few seconds, unwrapped the teeth from the line then shoved them in his mouth.

"Ugh" he shouted "these aren't my teeth." and promptly threw them overboard.

There were two locals sipping beer through their gums that night.

Why can’t I get a decent Lasagne?

Why can’t I get a decent Lasagne? In the UK that is. This does not seem to make any difference in to the quality of the establishment I happen to be frequenting. Expectations, on the other hand can make a big difference to my mental well being and acceptance of the plate of food being delivered. Many pubs, not those purportedly to be restaurants, but the genuine old fashioned booze establishments, do not serve a proper Lasagne. Let's be honest, they usually use the same mince that was made up from the leftovers of last Sunday’s carvery. This base is then used for Shepherd’s Pie, Cottage Pie and of course, Lasagne. It is only the additional herbs and accoutrements that make the difference. By the way, the final scrapings are then finally used up for the most ‘favourite’ dish. Why do you think that Curry night is often on Thursday or Friday? Anyway, back to the subject in hand.

This pub Lasagna is usually served in a bowl with a few excuses of pasta intermingled in the mix. Cheese on top, of course, and microwave hot. However, after a couple of pints of well kept cask ale, I find that, although this dish is a somewhat distant cousin from a proper lasagne, it is acceptable, due to the pleasure of drinking the sublime beer.  I expect the pub to be expert at the beer – not necessarily the Italian meal of my dreams. Therefore, the meal is what I expected and thus accepted.

However bespoke ‘Italian’ restaurants are another matter. A few weeks back I decided to take ‘she who should not be ignored’ out to an expensive Italian restaurant. I made the fatal mistake of not enquiring the construction of their Lasagne assuming that they knew what they were doing. What I got was a plate of goo with some soggy slithers of pasta forlornly trying to escape. It looked like the kind of Italian meal you see on the pavement early on a Sunday morning. How can you call a dish a Lasagne when there is no fucking Lasagne in it? Being typically British and not wanting to upset ‘she who should not be ignored’ on our ‘special’ night out, I sat there, slowly sipping through the detritus of this dish.

I remember my prosaic reply when the ‘Chef’ (who looked like he came from Surbiton not Sorrento) came out to enquire on the quality of his creation. I said something banal like “It’s quite nice but not what I expected,” half hoping that he might enquire what my expectations actually were. What did he do? He just walked off. He wasn’t listening, he was just going through the motion. Which is what this dish really looked like – a bowel motion.

The worst thing is that this is not an isolated incident. In almost every part of the European Union you can ask for Lasagne you get Lasagne. It looks like cake that is self supporting. Sheets of Pasta supporting layers of béchamel (or similar) sauce and a tasty filling. Why can’t I seem to get the same in the UK? Is it by popular demand or simply the lack of complaint?

I have to be the first to hold my hand up to this; but never again. Unless I am supping a Real Ale in an old fashioned English Pub, I am not going to accept a dish that purports to be a Lasagne but needs to be in a bowl to support it. Never again will I accept a dish that looks as if it has been extruded from a bovine rectum. It will be sent back to the kitchen with the appropriate constructive criticism. So that one day, sometime in the future, I will not have to travel to Italy, France, Belgium, Corsica or anywhere else but the UK to get a decent Lasagne. 

Visit to Stalag Camping and Caravanning Site

I don’t know whether I was having a particularly bad day but when we arrived at a Camping and Caravanning Club site (up North somewhere) the general vista and a plethora of static caravans that first confronted me set the scene. I knew from the outset that this was not a site that I was going to feel at home. It was like one of those parties you go to where you sense that something is ‘not-quite–right’ and you feel uncomfortable. You cannot put your finger on anything specific, but you just know that there is going to be trouble ahead.

We were placed at the arse end of the bottom field that ensured that the wonderful views of the distant hills were all but obscured by hedges and canvas. The toilets were so far from us that hiking boots were the necessary fashion. Actually, that was not the worse of it. The hike through the site, passing the tents, then the campervans and caravans then finally through the long avenue of static trailers meant that at least fifty pairs of eyes peered out at you, knowing that you are on the way to shit. The toilets themselves were reasonably clean but there was something about the demeanour of the decor and revolting piped music that made it a good place to start cutting yourself.

After the brief pleasure of a satisfying constitutional, my mood changed back as it was followed, excruciatingly, by the fifty pairs of eyes following me back, knowing that I may have been successful at dropping a log.

There are a number of things wrong with the camping and caravanning sites (the friendly club) it is keen to point out. One minor irritation is the fact that on many sites the tents are placed the furthest from the toilets, putting those in most need of the washing facilities, furthest from them. Meanwhile static caravans, caravans and camper vans, that all have their own facilities, are just a hop skip and stagger away.

As I sit here typing this slightly critical but heartfelt diatribe another person is crunching past the tent. Crunching, because at this end of the site the paths are gravel so if we can’t see who is off for a dump, we can certainly hear them.

Another annoyance with some of these ‘friendly’ club sites is the business model. Let’s shoehorn as many of the poor buggers onto every blade of available grass.  I am at such an angle to the tent next to me that a can hear the guys hair growing.

Adjoining our overcrowded car park is a five acre field which is owned by the club. It is further from the toilets yes, but relatively flat and with lovely views of the hills. What is it used for? Dog crapping. Don’t get me wrong, I have a dog, but let’s face it, all he needs is a bush or a car tyre. Plenty of those about. Plenty of walks about too.

So, if there was a toilet block were we were currently camped and I was in a wide open field where I could enjoy the vista I came up to see and could fart without seven other people hearing, this would be a good place to stay.  

But it hasn’t. Worst of all I booked for a number of nights. Do I stay and put up with it or go somewhere else and waste the money? I think I will start to look for somewhere else this morning. Unfortunately that means another night at Stalag CC Club.